If the thought of being part of a committed relationship makes you cringe, you might be counter-dependent.
It may sound unusual, but it’s true: I’m afraid of commitment. Just the
idea of being part of a committed relationship and all its “trappings” (i.e., moving out to the suburbs, getting married, and becoming dependent on another person in my day-to-day life) — makes me shudder. The possibility of being consumed by my passion for someone else? Absolutely terrifying.
Unfortunately, my commitment phobia is now affecting my relationship with an incredibly wonderful man.
Why is it that making a lifelong commitment, something Hollywood and the media have ingrained into women to be the ultimate goal of relationships, feels so frightening for some of us? Why does building a strong and impenetrable wall around our hearts feel so much safer than appearing vulnerable or needy to the opposite sex? It may be counter-dependency.
Most people are familiar with codependent couples’ clinginess and revolving caretaker roles in relationships thanks to talk shows, self-help books and the like. Counter-dependents, however, radiate aloofness and are driven to project an image that makes them seem wholly self-sustained. While most of us have probably never even heard of counter-dependency, in reality, it affects a large swath of society, according to Dr. Janae B. Weinhold, counselor and co-author of
Counter-Dependency: the Flight from Intimacy and her co-author and psychologist husband, Dr. Barry K. Weinhold. “There are some people who cling and want a closeness, and then there are other people who push away, who avoid, who are just not comfortable with intimacy,” says Janae.
There is, of course, a difference between being happily single and counter-dependent. It’s a common assumption that all single people would be happier in a coupled state, but in modern society, that simply isn’t true. You can be happily single even when you’re not actively dating.
So how do you know whether you are counter-dependent or simply someone who is leading your life in a way that works for you? According to Dr. Linda Young, counseling psychologist, if you actively choose to avoid developing romantic relationships and have a list of reasons why it’s never going to work out for you, or find that in relationships your partner always wants more than you’re willing to give, that may be a sign of counter-dependency.
The Weinholds lay out some distinctive counter-dependent traits in their book, such as having trouble getting close to people and difficulty sustaining intimacy in romantic relationships. Other characteristics include:
- Having limited ability to feel emotions in regards to romantic relationships (such as justified anger or sadness)
- Having a tendency to say no to new ideas from your partner
- Feeling anxiety while forming close relationships
- A need for perfection
- Being afraid of letting others control you
- Being consumed by the needs of your partner
- Refusing to ask for help
- Becoming easily bored
- Needing to constantly seek out new thrills
- Having a tendency to work long hours during the week and on weekends
“In our culture, counter-dependency is actually rewarded,” says Janae. “If you’re a person who has so much trouble with intimacy you’re willing to work 60 or 70 hours a week and are willing to be on the road traveling, it’s like ‘oh, that’s a good employee.’ It’s a socially accepted thing to be successful and that’s part of the trademark of the counter-dependent person. They are more successful ‘out in the world’ but not so successful at intimacy.”
Another hallmark of the counter-dependent, says Young, is an overwhelming desire to control your own destiny: “If you’re a person who pulls yourself up by your bootstraps, who wants to be in as much control over your destiny as possible, you may also be a counter-dependent.”
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